All my life, I have been fascinated by how human beings learn about gender. It has brought me much wonder and even horror.

Several years ago, I was teaching chastity to ninth graders, and was horrified to discover that all the ninth grade girls in my class strongly believed that females are superior to males. In fact, many of the boys seemed to believe it too. Modern society is often particularly negative towards men, and I’ve always tried to provide a balanced view of gender in my household to my children.

So, imagine my amazement when I opened up our local diocesan newspaper, The Catholic Times, and found this: The newspaper had been left on the table a day or two, and as I thumbed through the articles, I noticed that one of the photos had been altered. Take a look at this picture, and see if you notice it too.

All the girls in this photo have been circled, and all the boys have been crossed out!

I asked The Dancer, and sure enough, she admitted to drawing on the photograph. She didn’t seem to have any explanation why she did it, but she sure has learned about gender early!

My husband loves writing funny Christmas letters every year.  We send them out with the Christmas cards, and we get lots of feedback on them.  Below are the Christmas letters from the past three years.  The cute pictures are gone, as are our real names, but otherwise they are the same.  (Unfortunately, the letters don’t “flow” as nicely with the kids’ blog names – instead of their real names).  Which letter is your favorite?  At the end of the last letter is a poll where you can vote for the best one!

Christmas Letter 2006

Our family has enjoyed many wonderful blessings this year. Of course, our most special news is the birth of Smiles on September 27^th. In preparation for her birth, I scrubbed the bathroom floor, bought a pre-paid cell phone to call 911, and read obstetrics textbooks to “brush up” in my spare time. Fortunately, none of these precautions were necessary because J was induced.

The physician broke her water at approximately 8:30 AM. At 9:00 AM, since nothing was happening, we were watching Matt Lauer’s left-wing diatribe on Today. By 9:23 AM, just as Matt Lauer was just about to convince me that Rush Limbaugh is the antichrist, that Apple Paltrow is a wonderful name for a baby, and that polar bears are clutching anxiously to the last remaining chunks of ice floating the arctic, the birth had occurred. One minute, J was enjoying a popsicle in the recliner, watching the fall fashions, and the next minute she’s breaking all of the blood vessels in my hand, squeezing it in pain.

In any case, Smiles is a beautiful and good-tempered baby. She smiles constantly, indicating that she is either the happiest or gassiest newborn that we have ever seen. Like all of our children, I love her best when she is asleep.  The Naturalist and The Dancer adore her, and consider her their favorite Christmas toy.

Smiles has also brought us happiness in other, unexpected ways. Most importantly, we can use her as an excuse to turn up the heat in the house this winter. Additionally, The Naturalist and The Dancer were treated to take-out Chinese food from Panda Express on the nights that J was in the hospital. They seemed to really enjoy take-out, so much so that The Dancer remarked, “Mommy should have another baby so that we can have Panda again!” Finally, Smiles treats J to wonderful late-night and early morning visits in bed.

The Naturalist and The Dancer doing well and they are seemingly inseparable. They play together and insist on sharing everything. For example, on a trip home from running errands, I gave each of them a lollipop for the ride home. Before The Naturalist’s suggestion, “Want to share?” registered in my mind, the two had already traded lollipops and were happily sucking away! Of course, this desire to share can be carried too far. When J made muffins for the neighbors, The Naturalist started grabbing everything off the countertop to include in the gift – including bananas and a bag of raw onions. Additionally, The Dancer is The Naturalist’ biggest fan. Sometimes, when The Naturalist plays floor hockey, The Dancer cheers from the stand, “I love you The Naturalist! I love you The Naturalist!” as loud as she can (which is pretty loud).

The family is also growing spiritually.  The Naturalist began our church’s excellent CCD program this year. The Dancer has been slowly improving her behavior in Church, largely reinforced with promises of after-Mass doughnuts or an opportunity to light a candle. J is the co-leader of her FAMILIA study group. Finally, I am pleased to report that Smiles is no longer a heathen! Her Baptism on November 5^th must have made an impression on The Naturalist and The Dancer. I still catch them baptizing each other in the bath!

The Naturalist is making great progress with his school work. He attends Montessori preschool one day a week and J tutors him the rest of the days. He is able to read “easy reader” books and seems to enjoy reading a lot! He is also learning about science. For example, we built a model solar system for his room and he quickly learned the names of the planets. He has also corrected me more than once regarding their proper order (it’s Uranus then Neptune!) and that Pluto has a moon (Charon). He is also making good progress with writing. One morning, The Naturalist asked, “Daddy, how do you spell oom?”  As it turns out, The Naturalist was finishing a sign that read, “(The Dancer) can slep in (The Naturalist) r.” I suppose it is just a matter of time until we give in and buy bunk beds.

The Dancer is, of course, her bubbly and charming self. These days she is looking more and more like Cindy Lou Who from the Grinch. The Dancer is a typical 2 year old, meaning that J has gained considerable time off in Purgatory lately. Additionally, I have learned not to slam the refrigerator door, lest the mountain of toys placed in “time out” above the refrigerator (e.g., dolls, strollers, plastic swords, tinker toys) falls upon my head. The Dancer still has a lot to learn about personal hygiene, though.  For example, she frequently grows tired of a particular pair of underwear during the course of the day. In fact, she has been caught many times pulling out a new pair of underwear and putting the old underwear back in the dresser drawer! 

J and I have also tried to give the kids lots of exposure to culture. For example, we’ve visited the Botanical Gardens, the Columbus Museum of Art, the Columbus Symphony, the Nutcracker Ballet, the zoo, COSI, and the racetrack. Well, the only culture at the racetrack is the kind that might grow in a petri dish, but the kids enjoyed it nonetheless. They even got to ride a pony and take a horseshoe home for good luck! The Naturalist and I even got to see the Civil War soldiers at the Columbus Historical Society this year.

J and I are not really sure how much of these cultural experiences are actually sinking in. In the evening, I often ask the kids what they did during the day and I am usually met with blank stares and whispers, “Mommy, what did we do today?” When J follows up with the question, “What was your favorite part of the day?” The Naturalist and The Dancer usually reply, “Being with you” or “Hugging you.”  Oh well, they might not remember what they did, but they enjoy doing it with Mommy!

As for me, 2006 has been a wonderful year! I have been blessed with a terrific wife and three happy, healthy children. The only semi-disaster this year was when our roof and siding were destroyed in a hail storm in October. Although no one was hurt, the experience was somewhat traumatic on the kids. For weeks, The Dancer incorporated natural disaster themes into her pretend play. When cooking in the play kitchen, she would dial the play telephone and ask, “Grandpa Jerry, is there hail by you? Maybe you should go into the basement.” The Naturalist even included aspects of the storm into his artwork. After looking at one of his drawings of a house, J said, “That’s great The Naturalist, but why are the windows brown?” The Naturalist replied, “They have boards over them because of the storm.” Our neighborhood is still under construction.

So, as I finish writing this letter, wearing my best flannel, I want to extend my warmest wishes for a blessed Christmas and wonderful New Year. I will think of each of you as I am lulled to sleep by soft hum of the contractor trucks and peaceful rhythm of the saws that fill my neighborhood. Most of all, I hope no one in your family says to you what The Naturalist said to us shortly before sitting down to our Thanksgiving dinner, “I’m not really that hungry Mommy. Maybe I’ll just have a couple of raisins and a piece of toast.”

Christmas Letter 2007

It has been a great year: Any year in which you’re not giving birth to children on the bathroom floor, moving across the country, or having your home destroyed by hail is a good one. We hope that 2007 has brought you as many blessings as it has us. Please excuse us if this letter is not as funny as last year’s – there’s a writers strike going on.

First, an update on the kids: The Naturalist is growing into a clever and fun-loving boy. He constantly plays jokes on us. For example, one day he volunteered to “take out the garbage” then decided that a better place for the bag of garbage would be in the front seat of B’s car! That’s what we get for naming him after a saint with a sense of humor. The Naturalist’ reading, writing, and math skills are developing nicely, probably because he has a great teacher (J). The Naturalist’ proudest moment this year was reading a 20-page picture book to four of his friends at a party at our home in August.  The Naturalist’ ability to read has its drawbacks, however. The Naturalist and The Dancer attend Catechesis of the Good Shepherd classes, and J realized how bad that neighborhood really was when The Naturalist asked, “Mommy, what does P-A-W-N mean?”

The Dancer was on television twice this year and has begun ballet classes.  She is also benefiting from listening to The Naturalist’ schoolwork. During Smiles’s 12-month well-baby check, she watched the doctor carefully. As the doctor tickled Smiles’s toes, The Dancer said, “Those are her phalanges.” The doctor was a little startled, but followed up with the question, “OK, then what is this (pointing to Smiles’s knee)?” The Naturalist responded, “That’s her patella.” The Dancer’s knowledge also extends into the verbal realm. When asked “What’s the opposite of pretty” she will quickly respond “boys.” She also likes to dictate stories to J and have them read back to her. After learning about the virtue of stewardship, she retold the story of Daniel in the Lion’s Den:

“Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. Then he needed a new friend. It was the cow. Then he needed a teddy bear to sleep with because it was time for him to go to sleep. Then he needed a hat because it was raining. Then they went into the house because it was cold. Then the lions ate Daniel.”

Last, but not least, is sweet Smiles, who never ceases to amaze. She has an infectious and constant smile, a wonderful disposition, and she loves to play and explore the house. Just the other day, J discovered her eating a black bean that had apparently fallen from her high chair unto the floor. Then, J remembered, “Hey, we haven’t had beans for dinner in over a week!”

Smiles has other unusual habits, too. Although technically not toilet trained, she has the uncanny ability to poop in the tub within minutes of hitting the water. (This makes any siblings who are taking a bath with her extremely nervous – they often bathe in a crouched position just in case they need to leap out of the tub in seconds.) We have scoured the tub with bleach too many times to count. Another peculiarity is Smiles’s disdain for having her nose wiped with a Kleenex, but her apparent willingness to succumb to the nasal aspirator. We’ve even caught her smiling as her nasal passages are sucked dry!

J and B are also doing well (in case anyone cares). J is still a leader, or “animator” in FAMILIA and she is quite active in the local Catholic homeschooling group. B had his first (and probably last) book published this year. This has apparently gained the attention of the local media – he was contacted by the Columbus Dispatch to explain the psychology behind “Why do people put up Christmas lights at Christmas?” Since B’s answer, “To celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus” would probably not be to the Dispatch’s liking, he declined the interview.

2007 was definitely the year for pets in our house. We started the New Year off right by purchasing two live lobsters. The kids enjoyed playing with the lobsters before we boiled them. We called them “the pets you can eat.” The Naturalist was also given an ant farm from his aunt and uncle. He was very excited about sending away to the company for his vial of ants. The Naturalist said, “When the ants arrive – we will have a lot of pets in this house!” Other pets in our home included (1) “Stabby,” a rather large praying mantis, (2) “The Dancer” and “John Paul,” two monarch caterpillars, (3) and an assortment of tadpoles from the nearby pond. Truth be told, we had very little luck with most of these pets. The lobsters were devoured within hours of purchase; the ants died after only two weeks, Stabby lasted only until the first rainy day (we were unable to hunt for crickets); and our care of the tadpoles was nothing short of frog genocide. We did, however, successfully manage to raise the caterpillars until they were butterflies.

Luckily, our cats Sammy and Jody have survived 2007 intact.  In fact, they even seem to tolerate a five-year-old boy determined to play “fox and hound” and a one-year-old baby who doesn’t quite understand that cats’ eyes (unlike dolls’ eyes) cannot be poked.

In all sincerity, our family wishes you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Please don’t hesitate to call, write, or e-mail to give us an update on you or your family.

Christmas Letter 2008

Dear Loved Ones,

I wanted to get you a very special Christmas gift this year, so I tried to buy you Barack Obama’s senate seat. I was actually the highest bidder for four days straight until, strangely, all bidding ceased. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what happened. Unfortunately, this Christmas card and letter will have to suffice for your gift this year.

At any rate, Merry Christmas to all!  Christmas is our favorite time of the year.  Not only because we celebrate Christ’s birth, but also because for the last two weeks, our home has smelled of Advent candles, Christmas cookies, and gingerbread.  This is a nice change from the usual smell – poopy diapers, rotting science projects, and vomit. 

This has been a challenging and exciting year for us. As most of you know, J was quite sick for most of the winter and spring with a condition we later identified as gastroparesis and gastritis. Nothing brings a couple closer than facing an adversity together, unless, of course, that adversity includes copious amounts of intestinal gas, acid reflux, and belching. Truth be told, J’s diet was very restricted. It consisted on mostly bland foods. For quite some time, she ate nothing but white rice, jello, and Ensure.  She single handedly drove up the price of white rice worldwide through her consumption. She was also hospitalized four times. Happily, she has improved considerably, and there are probably a good number of gastrointestinal specialists’ children out there who will be having an extra-special Christmas because of all the money we paid in doctor’s fees.

The kids continue to be doing well. The Naturalist is making excellent progress in his schoolwork. J is becoming a master home school teacher. Our school’s name is officially “Our Lady of (our hometown).” My role is apparently twofold: principal and janitor, because I both administer discipline and clean up the floor after someone vomits.

It is truly a pleasure to listen to The Naturalist read, write, and solve math problems. He also continues to take tennis lessons, which he greatly enjoys. One of his greatest accomplishments this year was that he learned to ride a two-wheel bike. One day, his training wheel fell off and I just let him go! Finally, as you might be able to tell by the picture, The Naturalist is losing teeth fast.

The Dancer is my darling girl who enjoys horses, learning to read, and dancing. Last spring she completed her first year of ballet and this year she is taking tap. She loves her dance instructor, Bbie, because she’s a wonderful teacher, she shares her enthusiasm for sparkly costumes, and she gives her a sucker after each practice.

The Dancer loves to play with her siblings. Her favorite game with Smiles is “night-night,” where the two of them go into their bedroom, shut the shade, turn off the light, and lay quietly in bed with their dolls. This game usually lasts 20-30 minutes. Of course, if J or I suggested that the girls go to their room and take a nap, all hell would break loose. The Dancer will also play almost any game with The Naturalist. Lately, they have been playing with my old Star Wars toys, although they play with them in different ways. The Naturalist plays war. The Dancer, even though she knows Darth Vader is evil, still makes Darth Vader ask Obi Wan Kenobi, “Do you want to be friends?”  

Both The Dancer and Smiles love horses. J and I took the kids to a state park last summer to celebrate “Settlers’ Days.” It was sort of like a historic festival with folk artists, people dressed as pioneers, and lots and lots of horses. The kids got to pet and ride the horses throughout the day. Most of the roads were used by the horse and wagon teams to transport people around the park. To travel short distances, however, we walked on the grass. The Dancer asked, “Why are we walking on the grass and not on the road?” to which a nearby, beautifully dressed, Pakistani lady replied, “If you stay off the road you won’t step in any horsesh@#%#.” I couldn’t argue with that logic.

Smiles is two and is developing into a quite a little girl. One of the sweetest moments for her this year was witnessing the birth of baby bunnies in our backyard. Unfortunately, in her haste to see the bunnies, she ran right over the nest, stepping on one of the bunnies. I did not think that rabbits (babies or adults) made any noise whatsoever, until that moment. Indeed, the hideous “Eeek! Eeek! Eeek!” that I heard coming from underneath my daughter’s foot was one of the most disturbing noises I’ve ever heard. The Dancer must have sensed my terror, because she asked, “Dad, what’s wrong?” to which I replied, “Nothing…I think the bunnies are crying because they’re tired.” I checked on the bunnies later than day and, luckily, they were fine. Consequently, I am able to write this Christmas letter to you from the comfort of my home rather than from a prison cell shared by Michael Vick.

Finally, J and I celebrated our 10^th wedding anniversary in August. We marked the occasion by visiting the romantic city of Cincinnati! Nothing says romance like industrialism and high humidity. We wanted to travel somewhere a little more exotic but we needed to bring the three kids with us and we needed a hotel that offered J easy access to Wonderbread, ham, white rice and jello. Actually, we had a great time. I would highly recommend the museums in the old train station.

In closing, we hope that you have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year.